A day in the life of an obsessive sociophobe

Wake up in the morning feeling like P Diddy
(Hey, what up girl?)
Grab my glasses, I'm out the door, I'm gonna hit this city
(Lets go)
Before I leave, brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack
'Cause when I leave for the night, I ain't coming back
- Ke$ha


So where was I? yeah...

I wake up in the morning at 7am (Tick Tock, on the clock...)

Take your irresponsible song and get off my head, you evil siren.....THANK YOU.

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"OMG, WHAT ARE THEY THINKING ABOUT ME????"

Scene 1: The morning rush
I am getting ready to go to work. Once inside the washroom, I make sure the door is locked (having walked in on about thrice on separate occassions, I will forever remember to check!). Once done, I scan around to make sure everything is in order before I leave. While getting ready in my room, I make sure the curtains are closed because a bright light bulb on the inside can make things very visible to the outside.

Scene 2: Off to work
In the lift, there is a huge mirror. This is where I do a final check to see that my attire is in order (the shirt buttoned up, no tears, no marks, creases are fine), no flyaway hairs and right accessories. I flee from the lift to the car park, not looking around to see who's looking at me (yeah....), until I have my shades on, which is when I can hold my head up high. And once inside Chariotte, all feels safe. Loud music is on. Then my new-found friends join in and we are one big happy family, except on certain quiet mornings when we are still half asleep. The sociophobe has dozed off...

Scene 3: At work
If someone says "Good Morning", I say it back and smile. Usually, I am very active and chirpy in the mornings, provided I have had my tea and breakfast. But if I had to say it first, it is never consistent. I tell it to some people, not others, and this varies for different days. In my world, there are tiny time frames when certain tasks must be completed (like saying Morning when passing by a certain desk), or the opportunity is lost. I like to avoid saying it to some people, like my boss. I look up and see my boss turned away and busy with his computer. (Whew, the sociophobe thinks. No need to face him now). While I work, my ears are active and pick up footsteps and conversations. I can tell alot of people by the sound of their footsteps now, without even seeing who it is. At the coffee machine, I get my cappaccino, hoping I don't have to bump into anyone. If I do, I make hollow conversations as I plot a rapid exit in my head. When my boss is coming towards me, I look away (to be honest, I think he's a sociophobe too!) or sometimes manage to mutter a nearly inaudible  "Hi". The day goes by, I try to do everthing right. I try to be in control. I re-read my emails, check for grammar several times and anticipate the various impressions it might create in the minds of others. I am wary of conversations I make. So careful that sometimes, I can't maintain normal conversations with colleagues, out of fear of judgement (interesting to note that I am a highly judgemental person in return) or because I am busy distracted running several simulated scenarios in my head.

Scene 4: Lunch
Entering the lunch room with a room full of staff is disheartening. I am much more comfortable in smaller groups less than 5. So most days, I find excuses to drive out in my lunch break or find places of solitude to have my lunch while I listen to music, read a book or simply live inside my head. Finally, a quick trip to the washroom, again, to check for flyaway hair or colourful pieces of food wedged between my teeth!

Scene 5: Social situations
These are the hardest, if I am not around people I trust and those who I am convinced can put up with my eccentricities. I try hard to play cool, while hiding away any fear or awkwardness. Sometimes, out of nervousness, I do blabber inappropriate things, something I would never do when in my comfort groups. I would try to avoid activites that leave me socially vulnerable like giving a public speech, making good impressions, interviews, performances, dancing, drinking, looking different, wearing different and even thinking different and saying it out. I like to blend in, without attracting too much attention. I think hard about the types of topics I should converse on, once I have analysed the various outcomes of impressions/ interpretations of what I say.

General characteristics: paintakingly careful, hypersensitive to feedback, observant, detail oriented, methodical, organised
Suitable professions: criminal, detective, mother, shrink

It is not an easy life to lead. Identifying these manic sides to me has helped me to consciously overcome some of the associated challenges; while attempting to "grow a spine" and "voice out my opinions" as some would say. On the up side, some of these same characteristics, make me good at a lot of the things I do and does not make me any less of a person!